Monday, September 11, 2006

GREEDY to Get Higher Ed. Bond Measure Passed

Administrators for most of the state's colleges and universities have joined together to form a new organization to help pass the November 7th bond measure for higher education.

Group spokesman and UCA President Lu Hardin said, "I am extremely pleased to announce the formation of the organization for Greater Revenues for Excellence in Education for Deserving Youth, or GREEDY. We will work towards the passage of this bond measure for the children of this state to get a better education."

When asked by a reporter why voters would approve the same debt measure that they voted down in December, especially at a time when the budget is showing a $700 million dollar surplus, Hardin looked confused and said, "I said IT'S FOR THE CHILDREN." and displayed a smug grin. When the reporter raised his eyebrows after a few moments silence Hardin amplified, "FOR THE CHILDREN. Whoever says that phrase first is supposed to automatically win the argument, because anyone who raises any questions after that is obviously AGAINST THE CHILDREN, which is awful."

(to continue this SATIRE please click MONDAY below and scroll down, or if sent straight here just scroll down.)


Blogger Mark Moore (Moderator) said...

The intrepid reporter asked, "What are you going to do with the money?"

Hardin shifted uncomfortably on the large sack of money that he was using as a bean-bag chair at the end of his nine-foot platinum desk.

"For the children." he said imploringly. "C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N."

The reporter finally replied, "I know how it is spelled Mr. President, but how will it be spent to help the children, if you can even consider college students children?"

"Well, we need it to connect all our colleges and universities to an E-corridor. A high speed internet that all the states around us have for their univesties." Hardin finished with a satisfied look.

The reporter raised an eyebrow. "That was what you guys said before this thing was voted down in December. The E-corridor business was only going to take about 10 million dollars. Why do you have to borrow $250 million for a project that costs 10 million? And isn't it also true that a week after the election the U of A Fayetteville "found" over six million of that money anyway. Isn't it true that they have opened the E-corridor for most campuses anyway?"

Hardin cleared his throat. He shifted the golden executive pen stand on his desk. He smiled indulgently at the reporter. "Why do you hate children?" he inquired.

"What are you going to do with the money?" the reporter shot back.

11:43 AM, September 11, 2006  
Blogger Mark Moore (Moderator) said...

"A lot of that money is going to pay off old education bonds. It is like taking out a second mortgage to pay off your first." said Hardin brightly.

"I have some questions about that too." said the reporter. "Isn't it true that the old bonds are coupon style bonds that don't allow for an early payoff? Isn't it true that the new bond money will not be used to directly pay off the bonds, but will be 'invested' and that they only HOPE that the proceeds from those investments are great enough to pay back the bonds?"

"And if that's so, isn't it more like taking out a second mortgage on your house to play the stock market?"

"I really don't see why I should subject myself to such abuse by someone who is against children" Hardin said indignantly. "The children of this state need our help."

"Speaking of this state," the reporter bored on, "Isn't it true that you guys are handing out tuition cuts, and even scholarship grants to persons who are in this country illegally? Why should the taxpayers be burdened with more debt so that you guys can offer in-state tuition and scholarships to people who are not even legally in this country? And who gave you guys authorization to do that right after the Legislature of this state specifically voted AGAINST doing so?"

"Aha!" exclaimed Hardin. "You have attacked immigrants! This allows me to play the race card, which I do! Not only do you hate children and are against education, you are also anti-immigrant. Now I REALLY feel morally superior to you, and that justifies my sense of entitlement to all that money that you earned which would be wasted on stuff like your family if the state let you keep it!"

He pointed a bony finger at the reporter in contempt, "No doubt bigots like you are against our new "El Recruito" program, where we use tax dollars to buy advertisments in Mexico City Newspapers telling them about the scholarship opportunities available in our great state. I have had enough of you sir. "

"Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go. The plumbers are coming at two to install the new gold-plated facets in the bathroom at my other office." and with that, the leader of the GREEDY organization that is asking you to put your children into debt until 2031 hurried out of the room.

8:04 PM, September 11, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellently done. Witty way to make your point!

8:40 PM, September 11, 2006  

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